I am sunburnt! :(

So yup..I went to court yesterday for the apartment place where I live at and I have 10 days from yesterday to pay the rent and court fees or I will be evicted. its just around 1400..how the heck am I about to get that much in 9 days?? I believe my account with my bank is still negative and I'm broker than before. I started a new job last week, so I'm happy about that. Working at k-mart now getting paid minimum wage. 7.40! woo-hoo!!! With gas prices just about 2 dollars cheaper I'm going to be a millionaire in no time!!!! My oldest had a dentist appointment this morning, got his teeth cleaned and filled. He had three cavities. I'm sick of everyone giving him candy and pop and junk food and even when I tell them not to they still do it behind my back and tell me its fine. No its not fine when I have to sit at the dentist for an hour waiting for them to fill in the cavities that he would not have gotten if they listen to me! He is my child not theirs and I decide how to raise them not them. Some people just piss me off telling me I don't know what I am doing and blah blah blah. I have three kids and I believe I know what I am doing. Am I the best mother? No, but who is? I have to drive to Grand Haven tomorrow morning. About an hour drive just to go to court for child support. Hope we can get everything figured out and I dont have to keep going an hour away for this crap. I have not been to court for this before so I am not at all for sure on what will be happening. So John is talking about joining the air force. Happy about that. I just wish things were going alot better with us than what they are now. Just feels like we are holding together with a piece of frayed yarn.

i hate storms!!

i thought that if i started a blog it would be pretty cool. you know to have my thoughts and ideas out there for others to read and whatnot. but i have not been up to date on this thing like i thought i would be. i thought it would be a hobby type thing, get me away from facebook.  but i have been neglecting this poor little blog. i dont really see much point in it anymore, i dont think there is much people reading out there any ways. if you are reading this...comment..anything, your name, a goofy sentence a joke or a riddle. haha. i dont even remember my main reason on why i started this thing really. im not getting much out of it as i hoped. i have a journal that i keep on my desktop that i used to write in all the time and i always have things that i want to put in there and release frustrations and i guess its a way to feel relief since i really dont have much people i can talk to. but after awhile i slowed down on that one too. it just seems to be that i never really finish what i start. seems to be true for the most part. right now i am stuck searching for a job and really is in desperate need of one right now!!! i quit my job at meijer, which now i know was a really huge mistake!! i thought it would be simple to get another job. seeing alot of ads online and in the newspaper, and i had 2 years of cashier experience, which is not really much but i thought it would help. i dont think i went through this much trouble when i first started looking for work two years ago. so now, i am farther behind on bills then i ever wanted to be. my bank account is negative 130. holy cow, it sucks!! im most likely will be going to court again for an eviction and this time i wont have the money to stop the eviction and i believe i wont be able to get help from anyone. i think i have borrowed so much money from others and not yet have had the money to pay them back. i would have no place to move to. it is just a really depressing time for me right now and i am really hoping that things will change soon!!

im telling

another part of my miserable past that is being brought back to life.  i was sleeping at my grandpas house on the couch and i get woken up to someone trying to do me in the butt, no that is not the wording that i wanted to use but its easier for me to say it that way. i didnt know what to do as the person doing this to me was my older brother. i laid there for a few minutes pretending to still be sleeping while he pushed and pushed and i moved just a little and i guess it scared him and he left. i thought that i could go back to sleep and just as i was about to it happens again. i move around just a little more still pretending to be sleeping and he leaves again. this time i get off the couch and lay down on my grandpas floor and think that i would be safe in there and that i could finally go to sleep but i guess that i was wrong. he comes in and lays down behind me and starts rubbing my crotch. i get up and go back out to the couch and not even five minutes later he is back again and this time i tell him that i will wake grandpa and tell him he wouldnt let me sleep. so i finally got to sleep after that but that wasnt the end of it.

hiding the memories

when bad things happened to me i tried my best to zone out of my head and pretend it wasnt happening. there wasnt much i could do when i was only a little kid, well thats what i thought. i was scared to tell anyone i remember the first person i told was my boyfriend (ryan) when i was 13/14. it was nice to not be holding it in anymore. he didnt do anything about it because i told him not to tell anyone. the next person i told was kris. he then told his mom who told some counselor person and then they talked to my mom about it and told her to report it to the police and so she did. i remember things i wish i didnt remember. people who are supposed to love you and you are supposed to feel safe around, you no longer do. my grandma lived in this yellow house in wyoming. my dad and uncle lived there and my grandpa. in the basement there was one bedroom which was my dads and right outside of that was a tiny bathroom and then it opened into a family room thing. my uncle had a blanket wall in the middle to seperate his room with the family room. across from my dads room was the laundry room with the furnace and a bunk bed for when we stayed the night and my cousins stayed the night we all had a place to sleep. now i dont know the whole story from my cousin but what i was told was that the guy my aunt was married to a long long time ago molested the kids and made them play with him and with each other. so that is what i was told, but no one will ever know the true story behind that. now after that happened with them (now i am not sure on if if happened around the same time or after as i dont remember the years or age all that well i just remember what happened)...(1) one visit to my dads house me and my two brothers were in my uncles room, when we were getting ready to leave my uncle asks if i want a dollar, and me being young and thinking a dollar would make me rich i said yea. he then told me to pull my pants down and show him my private parts. i thought about it and i was scared and he told me that it was fine i wont get in trouble. (now my uncle had porn hidden all over the place in his room and posters on his wall of half naked girls) i finally pulled them down and then he told me to pull my underwear down with it, in that i also did. now this whole time my brothers are in the room, one under the bed and the other under the blankets on the bed. so while both my pants and underwear are down to my ankles he then tells me he will give me another dollar to let him touch it. i then pulled my pants up grabbed the dollar off the bed and ran up stairs like nothing happened. when my mom came and picked us up and we got back to our house i remember i lost the dollar in the car and my mom asked how i got the dollar and my brother in the back seat said that i pulled my pants down for it. my mom then called the cops and they came and asked me a bunch of questions but all i remember them asking is the type of underwear i was wearing at the time. my mom called my dad and then the cops went over there and my uncle was no place in site. i dont think he ever went to jail or court or anything down that road for it. (2) my dad and i went to the movie store to get a few movies one night when i stayed the night there. we were watching them in his room to not wake anyone up and when i got up to go lay in the other room he said its fine  that i could sleep in the bed with him so i didnt wake anyone up going out there. so i layed down on the bed and fell asleep watching some move. i woke up to my dad watching some porn movie of girls on a boat. i rolled over and faced the wall and tried my best to fall back to sleep but couldnt. i tried to get up to go lay in the other room and my dad said it was fine that he would shut it off. while hes standing in the middle of the room naked playing with himself. i believed him as he changed the movie back to one of mine and put his pants back on. i fell back to sleep this time on the floor. i woke up to my dad either taking my underwear off or putting them back on i am not sure but i do know that they were sticking to me and my dad said he was trying to change them because he spilled jelly from his sandwich on them. (well that was NOT true at all!) (3) this was a time when me and my brothers stayed with my dad and my cousins were there too. i was laying in the laundry room bed when my older cousin came down and shut the door and locked it. he came and laid on the bed and told me he just wanted to lay down cuz everyone was making him mad. he then pinned me down on my back and dry humped me. i tried to wiggle out of it and push him off but he told me to shut up and lay still. that it was ok for him to do it. he laughed and told me that i liked it and eventually he got off of me and walked out...

way too early

yeah its 8 minutes till 9am and most people are usually up and working and have been awake for a few hours at least but me, im usually still sleeping at this time at least for another hour or two if im lucky. but not this morning. nope, i get woken up to a sick child. not the usual, "mommy i dont feel good can i lay down with you" and its gone in the morning. more like a "mommy can i lay in your bed" a little bit later hes jumping out of my bed and sprinting to the bathroom leaving a trail of puke on my floor. now im hoping this is just a short time sickness and it goes away before it gets caught by one of the other boys. so just like any other sick kid of any parent he gets the "special treatment" till he feels better. so this is going to be a very fun day. now you cant read the sarcasm that i just put into that sentence but the level of sarcasm there is about 100%. considering now i have a sick kid who will be wanting every little bit of my attention, i have a teething baby who doesnt like to be put down or not getting attention and then last but not least, i have a jealous kid who will not stand for everyone else getting more attention than he is. this is just going to be a super de duper day!!! hope your day goes swell :)

just another day

st patties day was today, well technically yesterday as it is 1:28 am. and it was pretty much just another day at home with cleaning and more cleaning. why celebrate the day, i can understand if you are irish and it means something to you, but for normal people its just a reason to drink beer and get drunk. ive had my fair share of drinking and partying and getting drunk every chance i could. but that pretty much got uninteresting when i had kameron. realizing there are better things to do than drink all the time and get drunk and spend all the money i had on beer. before kameron was born i pretty much had no plan for my life. i didnt want to go to college or get married or even have kids at all. i was failing every class in high school i skipped class all the time, i had no care for it. but i went mainly to get out of the house and away from my mom. i then started joining after school groups like cheerleading and softball and sadd and even ffa. i tried everything to stay away from home and having to deal with my mom each and every day. when i got pregnant for kameron i was 15. it was about march of 2005 i turned 16 that june and kameron was born december 26 2005. my mom kicked me out of the house when she found out i was pregnant. she said she wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and that i was a piece of shit daughter and she hated me and i would do nothing with my life and i was a failure and pretty much put me down. but i was used to it living with it like that since the divorce between her and my dad. she was violent and abusive and just bitchy all the time. so i moved in with kris and lived there while i was pregnant and about when i was 6 months pregnant my mom asked me to move back in with her and live there with the baby and she didnt want me to keep her away from her grandchild and so i did. kris and i moved in to my moms and like any other time i lived there she had her good days (very very few at that) and always her bad days. so we went back and forth between my moms and kris' moms house. that fall when school started back up i went to an alternative school in wayland instead of the public high school in hopkins. i went there up till i went into labor over christmas break and then did not go back. i didnt have a babysitter for kameorn and i really didnt want to go back to school at the time. kris was going to school and working at little ceasers so he was gone all day pretty much every day. he eventually dropped out of school to work more and i still stayed home with kameorn. i tried to go back to school when kameron was 3 months. i brought kameron to my dads house in the morning he then brought kameron to my aunts house in grand rapids on his way to work and i would go to school. my dad would get kameron after he got out of work and bring him back to me. a few weeks of that and kameron got sick. so i stayed home with him and decided agian not finish school....well i just stopped writing for a bit to do a preview of how this will look on the blog and its kinda long. i dont know how much is too much in a post thing but i think imma cut this short and lay down for a bit considering the fact that all the boys are sleeping and im hoping to get some sleep before they wake up or at least ethan will be waking up here pretty soon. i will finish in another post. not really finish because i am still living so there will never be an ending post unless i all of a sudden pass out dead. but then you wouldnt know because i wouldnt be here to tell you. but yeah, im out. goodnight.

first post

so yup. as the title puts it, this is my first post thing in the blogging world. i have no clue what i am doing or what i will be doing on here but i just thought it would be a new experience to me. lets see how well this turns out. and already i am getting brain farted with what to write in this little box. so i have three boys. they are such a handful each and every day but i love them with every piece of my heart. some of this should have went into my "about me" section but when i was doing that i had no idea what to put. i am 21 with a 5 year old named kameron a 2 year old named mason and a 5 month old named ethan. kameron and mason have the same dad, not a very good one at that but i cant change the fact that he doesnt want to be a part of his kids lives. we were together for 5 years starting in 2004 and ending in 2009. his name is kris. after our breakup i met ethans father, john, we have been together off and on since then. we've had many ups and downs and always seemed to work things out. kameron and mason have seem to grow found of him lately. i just lost my train of thought right here, thats what i get for texting and trying to blog at the same time. maybe its a hint to wrap this up and focus more on it later when i am not so tired and dont have a screaming baby right next to me. ethan is teething right now so i have not been getting much sleep at nights and its hard for me to nap in the day time because i live alone, just me and the boys, for the time being (john will be moving back soon) -ill get to that later probably, its a long story. kameron goes to preschool in the morning, well technically its afternoon. he goes from 12:15-3:15. but we usually dont wake up till around 11ish. and trying to get a nap in the day with three kids is kinda impossible. and trying to get them to sleep all at the same time is probably even more impossible and even if they do all fall asleep at the same time and sleep through the whole night i still wouldnt get much sleep. i have a problem falling asleep at night, no matter how tired i am. also, i hate the dark and sleeping alone so i tend to stay awake till i can no longer keep my eyes open and then go and lay down. but i think i said that i needed to wrap this thing up for a bit. im going to try to talk about my past eventually in the future but im not so sure on how it will turn out because i have not really talked much about my past to alot of people. well, keep in touch. or not. its your choice. but im outta here.