hiding the memories

when bad things happened to me i tried my best to zone out of my head and pretend it wasnt happening. there wasnt much i could do when i was only a little kid, well thats what i thought. i was scared to tell anyone i remember the first person i told was my boyfriend (ryan) when i was 13/14. it was nice to not be holding it in anymore. he didnt do anything about it because i told him not to tell anyone. the next person i told was kris. he then told his mom who told some counselor person and then they talked to my mom about it and told her to report it to the police and so she did. i remember things i wish i didnt remember. people who are supposed to love you and you are supposed to feel safe around, you no longer do. my grandma lived in this yellow house in wyoming. my dad and uncle lived there and my grandpa. in the basement there was one bedroom which was my dads and right outside of that was a tiny bathroom and then it opened into a family room thing. my uncle had a blanket wall in the middle to seperate his room with the family room. across from my dads room was the laundry room with the furnace and a bunk bed for when we stayed the night and my cousins stayed the night we all had a place to sleep. now i dont know the whole story from my cousin but what i was told was that the guy my aunt was married to a long long time ago molested the kids and made them play with him and with each other. so that is what i was told, but no one will ever know the true story behind that. now after that happened with them (now i am not sure on if if happened around the same time or after as i dont remember the years or age all that well i just remember what happened)...(1) one visit to my dads house me and my two brothers were in my uncles room, when we were getting ready to leave my uncle asks if i want a dollar, and me being young and thinking a dollar would make me rich i said yea. he then told me to pull my pants down and show him my private parts. i thought about it and i was scared and he told me that it was fine i wont get in trouble. (now my uncle had porn hidden all over the place in his room and posters on his wall of half naked girls) i finally pulled them down and then he told me to pull my underwear down with it, in that i also did. now this whole time my brothers are in the room, one under the bed and the other under the blankets on the bed. so while both my pants and underwear are down to my ankles he then tells me he will give me another dollar to let him touch it. i then pulled my pants up grabbed the dollar off the bed and ran up stairs like nothing happened. when my mom came and picked us up and we got back to our house i remember i lost the dollar in the car and my mom asked how i got the dollar and my brother in the back seat said that i pulled my pants down for it. my mom then called the cops and they came and asked me a bunch of questions but all i remember them asking is the type of underwear i was wearing at the time. my mom called my dad and then the cops went over there and my uncle was no place in site. i dont think he ever went to jail or court or anything down that road for it. (2) my dad and i went to the movie store to get a few movies one night when i stayed the night there. we were watching them in his room to not wake anyone up and when i got up to go lay in the other room he said its fine  that i could sleep in the bed with him so i didnt wake anyone up going out there. so i layed down on the bed and fell asleep watching some move. i woke up to my dad watching some porn movie of girls on a boat. i rolled over and faced the wall and tried my best to fall back to sleep but couldnt. i tried to get up to go lay in the other room and my dad said it was fine that he would shut it off. while hes standing in the middle of the room naked playing with himself. i believed him as he changed the movie back to one of mine and put his pants back on. i fell back to sleep this time on the floor. i woke up to my dad either taking my underwear off or putting them back on i am not sure but i do know that they were sticking to me and my dad said he was trying to change them because he spilled jelly from his sandwich on them. (well that was NOT true at all!) (3) this was a time when me and my brothers stayed with my dad and my cousins were there too. i was laying in the laundry room bed when my older cousin came down and shut the door and locked it. he came and laid on the bed and told me he just wanted to lay down cuz everyone was making him mad. he then pinned me down on my back and dry humped me. i tried to wiggle out of it and push him off but he told me to shut up and lay still. that it was ok for him to do it. he laughed and told me that i liked it and eventually he got off of me and walked out...